Grieving Stage 1: The feeling I’ve never ever felt before – Pain, Anger, Deep Sadness, Mind Full of Chaos, Stress, and so on….
Hi Mama! It’s been exactly a week since you went up there! It really hurts that you already left us to be with the Lord. It’s just too soon! I don’t know when will I accept the fact that you’re gone, I don’t know when and how will I move on from this, but I will try my best. I want to write down every important details that happened to us that day and I hope this will be the last time I will share and recall the story. It was really bad and I’m still so mad of what happened to us, of what happened to you. I don’t know what to say and feel… I’m so so sorry, mama! I should’ve followed my intuition. I should’ve followed your iling that day. I’M SO SORRY, MAMA! I LOVE YOU SO SOOO MUCH! ALWAYS AND FOREVER! I hope you’re having a great time bonding with Jesus up there in Heaven. I’ll be waiting for you in my dreams, ma! See you!
I never thought that my first time riding an ambulance will be with my mom on a pandemic! I used to think (every time I see an ambulance), “kelan kaya ako makakasakay ng ambulansya?” or “what will be the reason why I’ll be in an ambulance?”, I never wished for it to happen… but it did!
I won’t be mentioning any names (okay, maybe just one), but I was called a bully outside the emergency room, beside my mom on a stretcher, more about that later….
First, thanks to a very kind nurse… if it wasn’t for her, all my anger will be poured here and I will generalize the kind of people in this field, but she proved to me that there will be at least one good, kind and better person in a pool of evil professionals that won’t do their jobs properly and will just break their oaths. Yes, I know and I am aware that they are very exhausted especially with all these pandemic sh*t happening and I really really do want to try to understand their actions, but right now, to be honest, I’m thinking of a lot of negative reasons, because they won’t act that cruel if their reasons are acceptable! Maybe because they’re tired, maybe they don’t really want to be doctors or nurses (but they have to and just doing it for the money), maybe because they have their own personal issues at that time, maybe because of the government, and so on…. BUT AT THE END OF THE DAY, YOU TOOK AN OATH, IF YOU CAN’T COMPLY TO THAT OATH, you may rest, take a break or even resign…
I was called a bully by a doctor in a full PPE attire outside the emergency room (he just came out from the covid ER), beside my mom on an ambulance stretcher, because I was trying to record a video how 3 doctors kept shouting and harassing me…
After going to five hospitals, we ended up back to the second hospital we checked, because all four were full already. Before we checked the other hospitals, I’ve already talked to someone from the second hospital. When we got to their ER, I was given a form, the first doctor/nurse (sorry, I really don’t know already if I’m talking to a doctor or a nurse due to the masks and PPEs) told me that their ICU was already full, but they still have a few slots in their covid ER. My mom’s case isn’t covid related, she fell from the bed and had a hpyerglysimia shock (as per what the doctor explained to me at the end), so why would I want to put her in a covid ER?! He told me that as per DOH protocols all emergency cases will undergo or be put to the covid ER. In short (as what I understood) the original ER is now a covid ER. All emergency cases, covid or non-covid related will be put there. In my mom’s case, she badly needs to be put in the ICU, but since it’s full they want me to make a crucial and painful decision if I’m going to place her in a covid ER, immediately, I said NO, that’s why we drove to three more different hospitals. Still, we ended at the second hospital. I was advised that my mom badly needs an oxygen tube. She was breathing slowly and her blood pressure went down. I was already crying, I was very confused, in my mind, I’d rather bring her home than place her in a covid ER. It’s too risky for her health and situation, but I had no choice. Everyone was telling me I need to decide immediately, cause the tube should be inserted to her ASAP! And so I filled up the form, I ran to the doctors’ station by the entrance of the ER and gave the form. There were two female doctors there. How did I know? Cause they told me “doctor po kami” in a loud arrogant voice when we were arguing! The argument started when one of the doctors threw the form to me cause two informations were left blank, the address and another one that I really don’t know what (the paramedics/ambulance volunteers from our barangay helped me instead of anyone from the hospital), I was shocked, I didn’t mind that at first cause we were in a hurry, so I asked the second doctor, I only saw that she pointed at the address, I even went “ay sorry”, and pointed to another part and was shouting something, I asked ano po? I really didn’t understand and see what she pointed (I was full blast crying inside the ambulance, my vision was so blurry and I was wearing a face shield) so she kept shouting at me, the only sentence I understood was “nagmamadali po kami dito, ayusin mo ang form mo!” I was very shocked on how they treat a patient’s companion, NAPAKABASTOS NILA! It’s not a good reason that you shout at people, just because you’re in a hurry. I can accept that you guys talk fast, yes, nagmamadali nga eh! But shouting and humiliating a person panicking cause she doesn’t know what’s happening to her mom is UNACCEPTABLE! So I grabbed the paper from her, it was a sign not to admit my mom in that hospital. I just said upon walking away “thank you na lang po, bastos kayo!” She ran after me and kept shouting (words I didn’t understand), when she reached me she shouted “nagmamadali nga tayo para malagyan ng tube ang pasyente diba?” “kung ayaw mo, pirmahan mo na lang tong form na tinanggihan mong iadmit ang pasyente dito”. I didn’t sign it. I just shouted back at them “MGA BASTOS KAYO” “ANG KAKAPAL NG MUKA NIYO” “TAX PAYER AKO”! Then she just went in the room. Right there and then, I know they won’t take care of my mom. I talked to the ambulance volunteer and told him that I want to bring my mom home. He asked me if I’m sure, cause my mom’s condition was very critical, so I called my cousin (he’s a nurse, btw) and asked him what I should do since I’m very confused, crying, palpitating, angry, etc. Yes, the two female doctors were still shouting at me! A man in a full hospital PPE came out from the covid ER. Yes, still in full PPE from the covid ER. He went beside me and started talking (I didn’t hear what he was saying at first, cause I was on the phone)… Why did I get pissed off? He was tapping my shoulder “tinatapik niya ako!” In full PPE from the covid ER!!!! I immediately shouted at him “Wag mo kong tabihan. Lumayo ka sakin!!!!” I was just shouting at everyone and the 3 doctors were just shouting back (my mom was still beside me on a stretcher). I took my other phone out and started recording, cause whatever was happening is so unreal! Never ever in my life that I could imagine people being humiliated by doctors at the ER, and it’s happening to me! While recording, the doctor in PPE shouted “burahin mo yan, bully ka!!!” Ako pa bully? Hindi mo ba nakikita na pinagtutulungan niyong kong tatlong “so called doctor” kayo?! Ako pa bully? For a person experiencing all these for the FIRST TIME (I even informed them that), should you guys calmly talk to your patients/patient’s companion instead of you three doctors harassing her?! Sino ulit ang bully?! I have a lot of witnesses! The only people who calmed me down were my cousin on the phone, and the two ambulance volunteers. Volunteers!!! If I’m a bully, what do you call evil doctors shouting at one person who’s in desperate need of their “professional” service? DEMONS?! The only reason why I was convinced to put my mom there was all because of the oxygen tube, and you know what? THEY DIDN’T GIVE HER OR PUT HER ANY OXYGEN TUBE!!! She was put in the Emergency Room at 3:55pm, I saw her at 11pm… NO OXYGEN TUBE!!! And now she’s gone! After less than one hour of seeing her still breathing, the doctor called me and told me that she didn’t make it! WHERE’S MY MOM’S TUBE?! Yung sinasabi niyong nagmamadali kayo para malagyan na ng tube mommy ako, ASAAN? HINDI NIYO GINAWA! My intuition was right! They won’t take care of my mom!!! From 3:55pm to 12am (the time she passed away) there was no tube and nobody’s even checking her!!! She was just in the middle of the ER! Nothing to support her! When I saw my mom breathing slowly, I asked a nurse for an assistance. The first nurse at the counter pointed me to another nurse. The second nurse told me to go to my mom’s assigned doctor. They didn’t even bother to check on her. I whispered to my mom to pray, I also told her that I love her so much and that I have to go out and call her doctor, that I’ll be back. When I got back she was already gone!!! I should’ve taken her home. At least at home there were more time for us to talk to her. At least at home she’ll be with my dad. She can die with us, and not with those heartless unprofessionals!
Again for all the doctors out there especially those three, YOU TOOK AN OATH, IF YOU CAN’T COMPLY TO THAT OATH, RESIGN AND DON’T BE A DOCTOR!!! OR IF YOU HAVE NO CHOICE AND NEED TO WORK JUST FOR THE MONEY… DON’T GET ASSIGNED TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM!!!!! And for DOH… covid isn’t just the only virus out there. Covid isn’t just the reason why people are in the hospital. There are many many more sickness and diseases. People with cancer, diabetes, stroke, brain damage, etc. that shouldn’t be mixed with people with covid. Bakit parang wala kayong pake sa kanila?! Hindi lang po COVID ang kinakamatay ng mga tao ngayon, kung nagiisip talaga kayo ng matino at para sa ikakabuti ng kalagayan ng mga Pilipino, wag na wag niyong paghahaluin ang mga taong may covid sa wala. THAT’S JUST PURE STUPIDITY!
I will never forget you, Vanessa! As my mom always say, her and God are very close! “Si Lord na bahala sa inyo”! God bless you! -Those are the words my mom would tell you (she’s a very kind and understanding woman)
But I’m not my mom…. These are the words I’ll be saying… “KARMA will hit you guys BIG TIME!” Good luck! Same goes to East Ave! Never ever again will I step in that hospital! That hospital disgust me! Almost everywhere may kagaguhan! Doctors, Nurses, Guards, even the Cashier! All I had bad experiences with!!! NEVER EVER AGAIN!
Yes, I’m still in the first stage of grieving, and if I’m going to hurt some people with this blog… GOOD! It just means you deserve it!
To be continued…