Grieving Stage 2: Figuring Things Out

Hi Mama! It’s been exactly two months and a week since you left us. Yes, I am still in so so much pain. I still get blanked and lonely every time I think of you, which is every single day. It’s so hard trying to figure things out without your guidance. I just want to hear your voice. I miss it… your voice, your face, your smile, your laugh and even our dramas. I. Miss. It. All. A. Lot. Our “normal” will never be the same, not because of the pandemic, but because a part of our family is missing and we can’t function properly. You were the backbone of our family, and without you, we can’t move. I can’t move. I don’t even know what I’m doing now that I’m in charge and taking all the responsibilities… It’s so hard. Now I know what you felt, and I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry for being so hardheaded. I’ve learned the hard way and I was hoping that it didn’t come to this point. I’m so sorry, mama. I just wish you were still here to guide me. I promise to listen and follow.

I saw this Facebook video a while ago, and it made me cry. “If you can call someone and tell that you love him/her, who would you call?” No doubt, I will call you… If only I could. I’m so sorry I wasn’t able to say that a lot the past few months that you were still alive. I wish I did, because I love you so so sooo much, mama.

I’m scared. I’m scared that one day I might forget our happy memories together. I’m scared that one day I might forget what you look like. I’m scared that one day I might forget your voice and sound of your laugh. I’m scared taking all the responsibilities this early and figure this “adulting stage” out all by myself. I’m scared to let our family down, and to let you down. Where do I start? What do I do? How can I take care of papa and the kids just like you used to? Those are just a few questions running in my head every now and then. I’m just too tire and exhausted, ma. Please guide me. I’ve never been this scared before, but there’s one thing that keeps me going… I always think of you and your memories with me. The memories of how strong, brave and faithful you are and I will try my best to be as strong and as fearless as you. I will make you proud, mama! I promise! For you, papa and the kids.

See you in my dreams, ma! I hope you’re dancing, singing and having so much fun up there! I miss you so much!


Your one and only kiddo

To be continued…

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