Grieving Stage 1: Lost and Confused

Hi Mama! It’s been exactly a month since we lost you. Time flies so fast, yet it feels so slow. I’m still in so much pain. I still feel lost and confused of what happened. People may seemed to think that I’ve moved on already or that I’m back to normal, but I’m not. I think I can never accept or move on from how you left us. My “normal” will never be the same. It’ll never be like what it used to, because a part of me is missing and that part can’t be replaced. Maybe someday I’ll be able to move on, but I’m not there yet. Every time I think of what happened, I feel so mad, so sad and I just want to cry and shout! I don’t know anymore, still mixed emotions. I still can’t accept it. I just want to talk to you. I wish I could have just one more day with you, if only that’s possible. I just want to bring you to Tagaytay and have a lunch date, then bring you to the new house and see your reaction, a happy and proud reaction just like what I was planning and dreaming of since last year. I just want to see you proud of my new accomplishment. It was all planned out already. It was supposed to be this March, but I guess that Lord wants you to be with Him sooner. It was all planned out already! I am so heart broken. I want you to see Casa Le Rous. I want that MYMP (make your mama proud) moment and I’m never gonna have that moment with you. It’s too late. I miss you so so sooo much, mama!

Nobody will understand how much I miss you. Nobody will understand what I feel. The last time we had a kwentuhan was on December 28 and then we just greeted each other on New Year’s Day. Those were the last time we’ve talked. We weren’t able to give our proper goodbyes and that hurts me a lot, because I wasn’t prepared of loosing you. I thought we still have more time. I always pray that God will give you 10-15 more years, so you’ll be able to see even just one great-grandchild. I miss you terribly, mama. I miss your voice. I miss hearing you shouting my name… LEYJES!!! I miss those times when we’re making fun of someone silently (like papa) and we’ll just look at each other and laugh… we don’t even need to say anything, we’ll just laugh. I miss going out with you and being gone the whole day. I miss being your driver and argue about which route is better. I miss watching free movies with you (my parents were MTRCB deputy & board members). I miss shopping and going on grocery dates with you. I miss those days when you always buy me packs of Kitkat and Yakult (those were never not on your grocery list). I miss your Sinampalukang Manok and your own version of sweet and salty peanuts. I miss your laugh. I miss those times when I can’t sleep and you’ll just stay beside me and caress my hair even though you were sleepy already… You won’t sleep until I was asleep. I just miss you so so sooo much, mama! I still want to say a lot of things to you. Thank you for always being there for me and my kids. Thank you for always having my back. Thank you for always supporting my dreams. I hope you’re having a blast up there in Heaven. I love you so so sooooo much!!!! I’ll be waiting for you in my dreams, ma! See you!

Love,

Your favorite and only child!

To be continued…