Grieving Stage 3: Trying To Be Strong

Hi Mama! Happy happy birthday!!! It’s your 72nd birthday today and it’s also been three months since you sadly left us. Time passed by so fast, but it felt so slow. This is the first time we’ll be celebrating your special day without you. It’s so hard. I’m not used to singing happy birthday to you and not being able to see you… to see your smile, to hear you sing “how young are you” at the end, to hear you say “thank you” or “where’s my gift” after. We are still very much heartbroken and I am still in so much pain especially every time I remember our memories together. Every time I think of the things we used to do or see the places we used to visit, I feel so crushed and broken. I miss you terribly. I wish that this is just a bad dream, and hoping that I’ll wake up anytime soon and see you beside me, but it’s not. This is now our reality… the reality that we won’t be able to see and hear you, the reality of not being able to celebrate your birthday with you physically and the reality that you won’t be able to celebrate every special moments with us. I know that you’re always watching over us up there, but sometimes, I wished that you’re beside me so I can hug and kiss you anytime.

I started writing this letter on your birthday (April 13, 2021), but I can’t seemed to finish it. It’s just so hard thinking about you, why you left us so soon. Thinking about all our memories and try not to cry. I just can’t.

I’ll just end this letter and make up for it on the next one. I’m sorry, mama. It’s just so hard. I simply want to thank you for everything! For all the lessons you’ve thought me, for all the care, the love and support you’ve given me my entire life. I miss you terribly and I love you so sooo much!

I hope you’re having so much fun dancing and singing with the Lord and the angels up there! I can’t wait to see you in my dreams again.

Love,

Your one and only Leyjes

To be continued…

Hi Mama! It’s been exactly two months and a week since you left us. Yes, I am still in so so much pain. I still get blanked and lonely every time I think of you, which is every single day. It’s so hard trying to figure things out without your guidance. I just want to hear your voice. I miss it… your voice, your face, your smile, your laugh and even our dramas. I. Miss. It. All. A. Lot. Our “normal” will never be the same, not because of the pandemic, but because a part of our family is missing and we can’t function properly. You were the backbone of our family, and without you, we can’t move. I can’t move. I don’t even know what I’m doing now that I’m in charge and taking all the responsibilities… It’s so hard. Now I know what you felt, and I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry for being so hardheaded. I’ve learned the hard way and I was hoping that it didn’t come to this point. I’m so sorry, mama. I just wish you were still here to guide me. I promise to listen and follow.

I saw this Facebook video a while ago, and it made me cry. “If you can call someone and tell that you love him/her, who would you call?” No doubt, I will call you… If only I could. I’m so sorry I wasn’t able to say that a lot the past few months that you were still alive. I wish I did, because I love you so so sooo much, mama.

I’m scared. I’m scared that one day I might forget our happy memories together. I’m scared that one day I might forget what you look like. I’m scared that one day I might forget your voice and sound of your laugh. I’m scared taking all the responsibilities this early and figure this “adulting stage” out all by myself. I’m scared to let our family down, and to let you down. Where do I start? What do I do? How can I take care of papa and the kids just like you used to? Those are just a few questions running in my head every now and then. I’m just too tire and exhausted, ma. Please guide me. I’ve never been this scared before, but there’s one thing that keeps me going… I always think of you and your memories with me. The memories of how strong, brave and faithful you are and I will try my best to be as strong and as fearless as you. I will make you proud, mama! I promise! For you, papa and the kids.

See you in my dreams, ma! I hope you’re dancing, singing and having so much fun up there! I miss you so much!

Love,

Your one and only kiddo

To be continued…

Grieving Stage 1: Lost and Confused

Hi Mama! It’s been exactly a month since we lost you. Time flies so fast, yet it feels so slow. I’m still in so much pain. I still feel lost and confused of what happened. People may seemed to think that I’ve moved on already or that I’m back to normal, but I’m not. I think I can never accept or move on from how you left us. My “normal” will never be the same. It’ll never be like what it used to, because a part of me is missing and that part can’t be replaced. Maybe someday I’ll be able to move on, but I’m not there yet. Every time I think of what happened, I feel so mad, so sad and I just want to cry and shout! I don’t know anymore, still mixed emotions. I still can’t accept it. I just want to talk to you. I wish I could have just one more day with you, if only that’s possible. I just want to bring you to Tagaytay and have a lunch date, then bring you to the new house and see your reaction, a happy and proud reaction just like what I was planning and dreaming of since last year. I just want to see you proud of my new accomplishment. It was all planned out already. It was supposed to be this March, but I guess that Lord wants you to be with Him sooner. It was all planned out already! I am so heart broken. I want you to see Casa Le Rous. I want that MYMP (make your mama proud) moment and I’m never gonna have that moment with you. It’s too late. I miss you so so sooo much, mama!

Nobody will understand how much I miss you. Nobody will understand what I feel. The last time we had a kwentuhan was on December 28 and then we just greeted each other on New Year’s Day. Those were the last time we’ve talked. We weren’t able to give our proper goodbyes and that hurts me a lot, because I wasn’t prepared of loosing you. I thought we still have more time. I always pray that God will give you 10-15 more years, so you’ll be able to see even just one great-grandchild. I miss you terribly, mama. I miss your voice. I miss hearing you shouting my name… LEYJES!!! I miss those times when we’re making fun of someone silently (like papa) and we’ll just look at each other and laugh… we don’t even need to say anything, we’ll just laugh. I miss going out with you and being gone the whole day. I miss being your driver and argue about which route is better. I miss watching free movies with you (my parents were MTRCB deputy & board members). I miss shopping and going on grocery dates with you. I miss those days when you always buy me packs of Kitkat and Yakult (those were never not on your grocery list). I miss your Sinampalukang Manok and your own version of sweet and salty peanuts. I miss your laugh. I miss those times when I can’t sleep and you’ll just stay beside me and caress my hair even though you were sleepy already… You won’t sleep until I was asleep. I just miss you so so sooo much, mama! I still want to say a lot of things to you. Thank you for always being there for me and my kids. Thank you for always having my back. Thank you for always supporting my dreams. I hope you’re having a blast up there in Heaven. I love you so so sooooo much!!!! I’ll be waiting for you in my dreams, ma! See you!

Love,

Your favorite and only child!

To be continued…

Grieving Stage 1: The feeling I’ve never ever felt before – Pain, Anger, Deep Sadness, Mind Full of Chaos, Stress, and so on….

Hi Mama! It’s been exactly a week since you went up there! It really hurts that you already left us to be with the Lord. It’s just too soon! I don’t know when will I accept the fact that you’re gone, I don’t know when and how will I move on from this, but I will try my best. I want to write down every important details that happened to us that day and I hope this will be the last time I will share and recall the story. It was really bad and I’m still so mad of what happened to us, of what happened to you. I don’t know what to say and feel… I’m so so sorry, mama! I should’ve followed my intuition. I should’ve followed your iling that day. I’M SO SORRY, MAMA! I LOVE YOU SO SOOO MUCH! ALWAYS AND FOREVER! I hope you’re having a great time bonding with Jesus up there in Heaven. I’ll be waiting for you in my dreams, ma! See you!

I never thought that my first time riding an ambulance will be with my mom on a pandemic! I used to think (every time I see an ambulance), “kelan kaya ako makakasakay ng ambulansya?” or “what will be the reason why I’ll be in an ambulance?”, I never wished for it to happen… but it did!

I won’t be mentioning any names (okay, maybe just one), but I was called a bully outside the emergency room, beside my mom on a stretcher, more about that later….

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